


i'm barely holding on to you

by elsanoelle



Series: Let the music heal your soul [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bottom Steve Rogers, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Clint's farmhouse, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Tony, M/M, Pining, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Sexual Content, Smut, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Top Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 04:03:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14845350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elsanoelle/pseuds/elsanoelle
Summary: Whenever in solitude, Tony fought hard not to remember a time where his heart, despite years of abuse by shrapnel and questionable eating habits, was whole. So far, Tony has never won this fight. Particularly in this setting, it was easy for Tony to sink into the memory of the bedroom the Bartons had expected Steve and him to share.





	i'm barely holding on to you




Eighty-six

_Breathe.._

Eighty-five

_Breathe.._

“Mr. Stark?”

Eighty-four

_Breathe.._

Eighty-three

_Brea----the.._

Eighty – “Are you…”

Eighty-

Eighty- Eighty- _God damn it_

Breathe!

Breathe!

Breathe!

 

With little choice, Tony forces a hard breath through tight pressed lips, his chest bursting in pain and relief as he blinks back into the present, sweat trickling down his eye. Tony felt on display, as though he was caught mid-way through a stage performance struggling with his words to an eager audience anticipating the next great line. Always a showman who didn't like to disappoint, Tony gives one curt nod to signal that he was okay.

_Stop with all the lies Tony_

 

_Why are you here?_

Opening one eye, he peeks at Laura Barton standing two feet away, a cup of steaming coffee in hand, appearing fully prepared to apologise, but she doesn’t. Tony extends an arm to take the coffee mug to stop her from handing it to him. It was unnecessary to add further awkwardness of him recoiling to an act of hospitality. He was embarrassed enough having been caught choking on fresh air and daisies.

How could anybody suffer calamity in such peacefulness?

Only Tony freaking Stark.

He takes a big gulp of the pipping hot beverage, regrets it, but chugs it down his throat anyway. The burn and caffeine eases the panic in his brain momentarily.

Within seconds, his lungs feels better already. He lets out a chuckle.

There was a time where columns wrote really nasty things about Tony Stark due to his less than sterling reputation as the  _Merchant of Death_. One article wrote that the former weapons dealer if cut through his flesh would not draw red blood. Tony wouldn’t argue with that – lately he would likely drip espresso. Black, like his damaged heart.

Laura Barton would disagree, though.

Because the Tony Stark she got to know on a personal level had anything but a rotten heart.

Tony had made the Bartons his first order of business straight out of the hospital, post-Siberia. When he arrived at the farmhouse, black eyed, bruised and heavily bandaged on the chest, he hesitated at the door step. Maybe he should have taken an armour for this conversation, he thought, as he wasn't sure he would be welcomed. The family patriarch was now an international criminal serving time in a top level security underwater raft in the middle of the ocean, thanks to mess he and the Avengers collectively made.

Laura was surprisingly very calm, warm.

 _Rational_.

Whilst she strongly disagrees with the methods of restraining her husband ("That's a little extreme isn't it?"), she accepted that every action held consequences. She told Tony that she tried very hard to persuade Clint from leaving that day, pulling all the stops. She reminded him of his many broken promises in the past to the children, to her.

His many months away, most times without any word - was he coming home soon? was he hurt?

Is he even alive?

That Clint had _retired_ and given up his Avenging, bow and arrows and life on the run under heavy gunfire, to instead wield a kitchen knife and occasionally suffer the wrath of a malfunctioning power tool. Laura's biggest regret, she told Tony, was that Clint needed to be the father their kids would grow up knowing.

Now he may have given up the chance to ever be that.

She only wanted her husband back, and since that was beyond Tony at the time, she told him money would do her no good. But she could use some company. So that day, Tony sat quietly with the mother of three, as she sobbed silently. In the very same kitchen he once sat as one of Earth's mightiest heroes.  

A tear or two may have escaped him.

But Tony would never tell.

 

 

Laura's stance did not discourage Tony from visiting the downsized family in his free time. 

And coincidentally or not, he had plenty. 

Whenever he visited, he spent a good amount of time within the household. Tony got some elbow grease in, fixing whatever mechanics that needed repairing or improvement. The kitchen, the barn. He did some wood work, but could never seem to bring himself to finish his pile. It was an inner struggle, rather than a physical one. Tony would rather admit it was his physical injuries, even his _age_. He would never reveal it was painful memories breaking his heart.

The billionaire never came empty handed either.

Each time he visited, unless he flew the Iron Man suit, Tony brought with him trucks worth of fresh supplies - food, home, kitchenware you name it - that would last weeks without the need for replenishing. When Laura insisted there was no room to store it all, her polite way of saying he was doing more than enough, Tony offered to have the needs brought over sporadically.

Tony even scienced with Cooper once for his lab project, but it got the pre-teen into so much trouble at school that Tony was barred from helping the kids with homework ever since.

Laura caved in eventually, thanking Tony with fresh cookies and hot meals whenever he came.

He provided whatever support he could for the little farmhouse.

This was Tony's penance.

 

 

Today he comes bearing a different sort of gift, one that was months overdue.

That is, if he could hold himself together long enough to present it.

Tony lowers the half-drank coffee mug and places it on the table next to him. Only then did he notice the mug was red, white and blue with a **Captain America is my favourite!** cartoon image splashed across it.

He winces.

 _Yeah, mine too._ _Once upon a fucking time._

Tony and Mrs. Barton trades a brief look. She offers him a pained smile. “Sorry …  too soon?”

“It’s fine. Thanks for the coffee.”

Pat on the shoulder. Tony tries hard not to twitch.

“It gets hot out here this time of the year, you might want to come ins---"

“I'm good here.”

_Cant ruin the surprise._

Her smile does not reach her eyes, and she left him be.

They understand each other.

 

It _was_ getting hot, and Tony wishes he had worn something less restrictive. His jeans were too heavy for spring time, and out here in the middle of nowehere the air could get thick and humid.

Tony soon feels sweat trickling down his neck as he takes off his tinted sunglasses.

He glances at his Panerai.

_The bastard's late._

As though nature had hear him curse under his breath, he feels a gush of wind and inhales the sweet scent of fresh grass. Tony squints as the sun shone brightly above the vast piece of land that surrounded the farmhouse. He instantly recognises the meadow where the Quinjet, packed with wounded and frazzled Avengers, once landed.

The patch of grass had regrown beautifully, leaving no evidence or trail of the trauma it once endured from scorching repulser burns.

If only heartbreak healed the same way.

Whenever in solitude, Tony fought hard not to remember a time where his heart, despite years of abuse by shrapnel and questionable eating habits, was _whole_. So far, Tony has never won this fight. Particularly in this setting, it was easy for Tony to sink into the memory of the bedroom the Bartons had expected Steve and him to share.

After getting tricked into listening to Fury's pep talk, Tony had dragged himself upstairs to get cleaned up but instead he walked in on a muscular man with his blonde hair in his hands, sitting on the edge of the bed curled up like an injured puppy. Suddenly the 220lbs 6”2 supersoldier appeared small and fragile to Tony. That night, perhaps because it was a full moon, or perhaps because Steve was actually _capable_ of apologising, he did. 

Steve apologised for losing his cool earlier that evening, for violently displaying his super strength at the wake of it.

Tony remembers the soft blue eyes pleading that Tony lets him in, to hold no more secrets between them. 

Tony remembers whispering a promise to Steve,  _never again._

Tony remembers hearing the bathroom door swinging open as he stood in the mist, under the spray of hot water.

Tony remembers hesitant yet strong arms crowding into his personal space, slowly boxing him against the tiled wall. He remembers light kisses tracing his wet shoulders, lining his neck and pressing behind his soaked hair, seeking permission.

Tony remembers easing into a broad chest in silent acquiescence and feeling Steve's cock, hard and heavy, pressed between their bodies. His own erection was throbbing and if their last tryst was any indication, Tony remembers that Steve was not shy to ask for what he wants.

What he ached for.

_Steve-_

_Tony_

_Think of the children, Steve_

_Please, Tony.. I want you. I_ _can’t stop thinking about.._

_What_

_About you._

_Yeah?_

_Inside of me. I want to feel you_

Tony remembers how streams of water ran over Steve’s face as his lips stretched around Tony’s cock. Tony remembers grinding his full, thick length into Steve, hitting his sweet spot with every thrust. Tony remembers Steve crying his name in pleasure, pleading, begging to feel every inch of Tony as he spilled across the bathroom floor, as he milked Tony into euphoria.

 

 

Tony also remembers how it shot to heaven, and came down crashing into hell.

 

An unmarked black car appears at the horizon. 

"FRIDAY?"

"Package is on its way, Boss."

 

Finally.

 

That evening, Tony felt like an intruder for the first time. 

The otherwise quiet countryside came alive with the merry sounds of children laughing and screaming for their father's attention, the baby giggling as he bounced from parent to parent. Laura was still a little apprehensive though, but Tony knew she only needed time to forgive, forget, and let her husband back in. After everything that has happened, she earned the right to hesitate and guard her heart.

A feeling he was all too familiar with. 

A broken clock is still a comfort.

Tony reasonably felt warm in his chest. He was happy momentarily, sipping the hot chocolate that Lila had prepared for him ("Don't tell Daddy that I gave you extra marshmellows,Uncle Tony!") when the last conversation he had with Steve before Leipzig crowded his mind without an invitation. 

  

"Why are you like this?" Tony demanded, following and cornering Steve in between the elevator doors after the Captain stormed out of their meeting. "There is a bigger picture here, Steve." Tony said, and it came out as a warning.

"Why are you here?"

Just as harsh.

"The Accords can still be---"

"Why are you _here_ , Tony?" Steve repeated, his voice rising but he wouldn't meet Tony's gaze. "You left."

_You left the team_

_You left me_

"Steve this is not about us."

"It never is," Steve snarked.

Tony took a step into Steve. He tried really hard to hold himself from reaching out to touch his former lover, but he knew he had given up that right. "I came here, because I don't want you to make a mistake. I'm here but I can't fix it if---"

Steve recoiled to Tony's finger touching him, as though it burned.

It made Tony's heart sink to the pit of his belly. 

"Jim is an active Avenger. I can understand Ross wanting you to sign the Accords all the same. But why are you **here**."

Steve stared at him with unforgiving eyes.

Tony composed himself and shook his head. The stubborn man needed to have his way, as usual. "Ross said.."

"Stop with all the lies Tony!"

"What do you want me to say?" Tony matched him loudly.

Then with more heart. "That I miss you? That seeing you again at the compound after so long made me want to crawl my way back to you at any given opportunity?"

They were in each other's personal space now.

Tony gently tried again, braver this time, curling his fingers around Steve's shirt, _leaning_ into Steve.

He was relieved that the supersoldier did not shove him away. That would result in many broken bones and a lot of explaining to do.

"I know. I know I left," he whispered, begged. "I know I have no right to, to do this. I can't help it."

Steve was still unmoved, though Tony can feel him shaking. 

"You came back because it didn't work out with Pepper. Not because you changed your mind."

Tony stilled. 

He hadn't thought that far. His brain just went into overdrive when he saw Steve the day the SecGen called them for a meeting at the compound and sprung the Accords on them. All he knew was that he never stopped loving the man that was Steve Rogers, even after they parted ways to an understanding that they wanted separate things in life. 

Tony wanted a life away from battle. Steve had found a home in it. 

 

 

 

 

Tony was taking his leave when he hears his name being called. 

"You leaving?" Clint said, closing the door behind him.

Tony nods.

"You took care of my family. Despite everything." Clint was a mix bag of emotions but right now he was foremost filled with gratitude, even when his face did not show it. "Despite everything that's happened. What I said to you. Thank you Tony."

"Just stay out of trouble, Clint."

The two former teammates had stepped out to the patio, where the swinging bench hung. It was dark, the air cool with the moonlight above them. Yet there was unspoken tension.

"The Raft. That was you?"

"I neither deny nor confirm."

"Cap's a super soldier and all, but it takes JARVIS level of intelligence to hack into the Secretary of Defence and disable all those locks. Wanda's collar. Hence, it _was_ you."

 _JARVIS is dead, you were there,_  Tony wants to say.

He bit his tongue instead.

" _You_ got me back into the US Tony. Nobody else I know has that kind of pull, or interest to keep me under wraps."

"Believe what you want Barton. That's how you roll," Tony says, with a slight edge to his words.

Clint sighs. 

"Thank you Tony, really. I don't know what else to say but"

Tony palmed Clint's shoulder to stop him.

"It's fine," he finally says softly. 

"Go be with your family."

Clint watches Tony's back as he steps out into the field, guessing that Tony was about to call the suit to leave. It suddenly hit him.

 

"Hey Stark!"

Tony halts.

"What about you?"

Tony raises a suspicious eyebrow. "What _about_ me?"

"You and Cap talked things out yet?"

Tony actually laughs this time, tilting his head, not turning.

"Not since he rammed his shield to my chest, no. Why, does Captain America sends his love?" Tony mock-laughs.

"Look man, you should talk to him."

Tony shakes his head. "No I shouldn't."

"He feels bad -"

"He feels _bad_?" Tony flares. "Barton, stop. Stop while you're ahead. I mean it, just stay out of trouble. It can't be that hard," Tony says before muttering into his comm .

"Stark, you may not believe it but I do have a sense of self-preservation. I'm not just saying this to piss you off - man, I am _fucking grateful_ that you brought me home to my wife and kids. I've said some nasty shit to you in the past. But I owe you the truth, even if you think it's gonna be more shit than usual."

Clint takes a deep breath.

"I know about Cap and you."

-pregnant silence-

Tony was not prepared for _that_.

"The pipes man..."

Heat was steadily rising to his face.

"It's an _old house?"_

The cool night became so much warmer that Tony felt toasty in only his tshirt and jeans. 

He wishes the earth would just swallow him whole, and maybe take Clint with him for springing this out on him. Laura seems to be the forgiving kind anyway. 

"Look I'm not going to pass any commentary on your personal life but I gotta say, it's crazy finding out about your two friends hooking up while brushing your fucking teeth at the sink. I really wasn't gonna say anything, but since Germany lost a good airport because you two had the messiest break up in modern history..."

Tony finally musters enough courage through the shame, to turn around.

"We were never _together_ Birdman," Tony lies. "Germany happened because Steve Rogers wanted to ride into the sunset with his cyborg boyfriend to kill more cyborgs without clueing any of us in."

 _Without telling me. The god damn truth._   

Clint’s head jerks backwards. "Did you mean that literally, as in you think Steve's doing this for love? _Love_ love? Barnes?!"

"Clint. Did you even think it through when you agreed to bust Wanda out of the Compound? Did you even stop to think about WHY you were throwing punches at Natasha, your child's  _namesake_ when you could have been with your family? Of course none of that mattered. Captain Perfect blows his trumpet and everybody rallies behind him and his robot sidekick like good fucking blind rats." 

"Tony, the Accords and Barnes are two--"

"BARNES KILLED MY MOTHER." Now Tony was yelling.

He instantly regrets it. He snaps his head away, takes a long slow but deep breathe before meeting Clint in the eyes. "And the good ol' Cap... was _sparing_ himself. How about that. Yet he had the galls to -"

 

_No more secrets Tony. Please. Let me in. Don't shut me out because I can't do this without you. I can't be me without you._

_I promise. I'm sorry babe. Never again._

 

Tony closes his eyes.

 

_Did you know?_

_I didn't know it was him -_

 

_Did. You. Know?_

 

_Yes_

 

"He threw it all away Clint. The long and short of it all, is Steve Rogers had tunnel vision the moment he knew Barnes was alive. Everything we stood for, the peace we fought to protect didn't deserve a second thought or a fucking table discussion. It started and ended with Bucky _fucking_ Barnes."

Tony kicks his heel in the dirt. 

"I'm sorry you had the misfortune of experiencing .. that _event_. Whatever it was, it means jack now."

Clint squats on the steps.

He wasn't tired in his legs. He was tired of the drama. 

"I won't pretend to understand how you feel about Barnes, Tony. But I'll try anyway. What I know and I'm sure you do too, since your IQ runs in circles around mine, is that Bucky Barnes _died_ in 1945. The man who killed your parents was HYDRA using a dead man's body." Clint pauses.

"He's back in cryo in Wakanda by the way, but you didn't hear it from me."

Tony in fact, had known that. It was just information he chose not to share with anyone.

"And Steve Rogers, so help me god, is fucking _pining_ for you with that ridiculous old flip phone they helped him buy. Nat tells me he wasted 3 full writing pads trying to write you a letter. He wrote some, tore it, doodled your face, tore that. Wrote some more. He drove her crazy."

"My point is, you two need to talk. He needs to explain to you about why he lied, about when exactly did he know about Barnes, you know? It makes a difference. And if you're going to moan and cry about Cap not taking a second to sit and talk feelings, Tony, you're going to have put your billions where your mouth is. Cap's not all that different from you. You both are so emotionally handicapped you complement each other like a house on fire."

Clint stands up and straightens his crumpling pants.

"Gosh the two of you as a couple? Yeeesh that gives me the heeby-jeebies. I always joked about the two of you being Mom and Dad. I guess Nat owes me money."

Tony scoffed. It would be funny, if it wasn't so painful.

"Barton as much as I love amusing you, this stupid phone?" Tony flicks out the tiny clamshell from his jeans pocket, to no surprise of Clint, and waves it. "I know the song, I know it goes _both ways_. But Rogers made it specific. _If. I . **Need**. Him_. He'll be there. That's the catch. Guess what? I don't ---"

  

 

Tony's hands flashed yellow, before the device began to ring.

**Steve Rogers Calling**

In the middle of an open field, under a bed of stars, in the cold dead of night. It couldn't get more cliched than that.

Clint smirks. 

He turns to give Tony some privacy, knowing it was not going to be an easy conversation for them to have. Clint couldn't help but overhear the sound of a flick. And then, with little to no context----

 

 

 

 

 

"WHAT" sternly.

 

 

 

 

 

"where?" calmly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'll be there" lovingly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! do leave some love :) cheers!
> 
> title from : lifehouse - broken


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